The New Mom Part 1

Proverbs 31:10-12, 25-30: "An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life ... Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and bless her; her husband also, and he praises her, saying: 'Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.' Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised."
 
These verses tear me up, because I so badly want to be this women. This women is loved by her community, adored by her husband and honored by her children.  This women is not selfish but selfless. Her home may be organized but it wasn't at the expense of teaching her child something. Her children may be hardworking but it wasn't at the expense of being a lover to her husband. This women served the needy but it wasn't at the expense of spending time with her family. But nothing came before her relationship with the LORD. This women is priceless and this women has great faith. I want to have the character of this women, I desire it.

God is continually growing my faith and my life is continually changing. I am about to celebrate my fourth Christmas with my husband and my first with my son. God has showed me great love through marriage and the sacrifices it take. And now I am on a new journey; I am a new mom. ".....She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and bless her...."

The proverb 31 women was a great mom and one we can all learn from. I wanted to write this blog to encourage young mothers and myself. Being a new mom is hard. Everyone is giving you advice and basing the demeanor of their own children as the bases of every child in the world. But real encouragement is truth that helps you transition into a positive change. And the truth is that every child is 100% different then any other child in the world, being raise by parents that are 100% different then you. Which means at least to me, that we need God to be our number one resource in our parenting. And he has given us a fantastic women to admire in Proverbs 31. But we do need real edifying women in our lives to affirm us, especially being a new mom. But we also need to understand that being a good mom isn't having a child that is "perfect" in the eyes of the world but you fearing the LORD (by following his commandments and living by faith).


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Currently my motherhood is nursing. My child is almost three months and very young still. For those almost three months I have sustain his life through nursing. My milk has giving him nutrition and not only that, security. He knows my face now and when he is nursing he sometimes looks up at me with a milky smile. He adores nursing and I adore that time with time him. We have a relationship. I have chose to use a voice of kindness when talking. Eli giggles and smiles at the sound of my voice. I am continually learning to be a mother. Enjoying my son, nursing, praying for him, using a kind voice, being a good wife is all the more closer in my desire to becoming the Proverbs 31 women.

Eli's Birth Story

I have been so excited to share Eli’s birth story. I was so encouraged as a first time mom to hear some wonderful birth stories. I also want to say that this is “OUR STORY, “everyone has theirs and Praise God for that! I am proud to share our story and thankful for all of you who fully supported my decisions.

“When God wants us to wait, it always serves a purpose. Waiting creates an attitude of gratitude and thanksgiving, a realization that things could be different. Waiting creates perseverance. Waiting generates compassion. Wait without grumbling, but expectantly knowing that what you have is worth the wait.” (My Pregnancy Devotional)

Waiting takes on a whole new meaning when your baby is eight days overdue and the doctor is telling you that any longer and the mortality rate increase at birth. How do you feel when your prayer for nine months has been that your baby goes till its due date and your water breaks as indication for your labor, and it hasn’t happened… I will have to say I grew largely in those eight days that the previous nine months had nothing on. 

As Eli’s due date passed we were a little disappointed, but as the week went on it felt like he was never coming. It is actually hard to express how we were feeling. Apart from our feelings I wanted to have an all-natural birth, with no epidural, no induction and no pain medicine. It was just something I felt in my heart I wanted to do and experience. And as time went on that week, an induction seemed more and more likely. I kept my prayers up though. I used that week to have dates with Mark every night and really spend my whole day with God.  One of our prayers for nine months was that we were really prepared for our son and that extra week, looking back, was a massive blessing. All of our prayers were answered, especially this one….

It was Tuesday; I was officially one week over due. I had my doctor’s appointment the day before and he was telling me about the concerns of waiting another week. My cervix hadn’t changed in three weeks, but he did say that it was soft and that was better than being dilated! The doctor said when your cervix is soft it is like a ball of dough you can push your fist through... My whole pregnancy had been wonderful! I had been completely average and boring to my doctors. I always felt well and even being overdue I was still very comfortable. I hadn’t been discouraged in my pregnancy until that appointment.  

During the day on Tuesday I spent the whole day in prayer. I also prayed a very specific prayer. That prayer was, “Please Lord, have him come tonight! In your name!” Mark and I went to bed that night and prayed that prayer again. Within falling asleep for 20 minutes I had the sensation of my water breaking! It was a good thing that under me was a shower curtain, a towel and two layers of sheets. Mark got me a towel and all we could both do was smile at each other and laugh! It was really happening; our son was on his way. I sat on the toilet, noticed the liquid was clear (which is a good thing, because another fear with overdue babies is that they can get stressed and have a bowel movement in utero and then they can potentially aspirate that during birth) and took a shower. 

After my shower, Mark had the sheets already in the washer and told me to call my doctor. I called her and it was about 11pm. She told me to take my time, but come in right away so they could monitor the baby. The past week I had been having strong but irregular Braxton hick contractions. As soon as my water broke they changed into constant contractions, about every 3 to 5 minutes. We spent the next hour taking our time getting ready, remaking the bed and straightening up. Mark quickly paid a few bills and I gave our baby one last belly message. Within two hours of my water breaking we were at the hospital. 

Mark is ready!

When we got to the hospital I asked for the room with the labor tub. During our tour of the hospital they mentioned it and said it hardly gets used. The nurse said that they use the room mostly as storage since 96% of people in their ward get epidurals. You can only labor in the tub if you are planning to have a natural labor, you can’t even have an IV. Also, the tub is for laboring only; I couldn’t give birth in it.  By the time they prepared the room, put in my hemp-lock (in case of an IV) and monitored the baby a little it was 3am. I was still feeling the contractions, but they were tolerable. When they checked me I was at 3cm.  After they checked me the nurse had the jet tub all ready for me to get in.

I was able to stay in the tub for a half an hour at a time and then they put me back in bed to monitor the baby’s heart rate and my contractions. When I was in the tub, the sensations of contraction became stronger. I sat squatting in the tub with my chin resting on the side, with the jets on my back. I knew this position was better for gravity then sitting on my butt. I wanted to keep my labor active not relax myself. Mark was great the whole time; rubbing my back, encouraging me and kissing my forehead. It was definitely soothing being in the tub, but breathing was an important factor getting through each contraction. I would describe each contraction as this deep achy sensation in my hips. I wouldn’t describe it as a pain though, because pain involves some sort of problem that needs healing; what I was feeling had a great purpose and it wasn’t painful. Plus, each contraction was an opportunity for me to pray and thank God for what was happening.

I labored in the tub twice. After I got out of the tub the second time, laboring in bed was extremely uncomfortable. It was so uncomfortable that it caused me to throw-up twice. The nurse then had to administer an IV to keep my fluids up. She also had asked me if I wanted anything for pain, I said no. Then she asked if I wanted anything for the nausea, and I agreed to that. I knew I couldn’t get through it feeling extreme nausea the whole time! Prior to this they also told me that the baby’s heart rate was getting a little low and they may have had to put an IV in anyways. It was a bummer to not labor in the tub any more, but I spent the next 5 hours laboring standing up against Mark. Five hours seems like a lot but it went super fast!

This is a very sleepy Alex!

Mark and I didn’t keep track of time, but it was around sunrise when the nurse checked my cervix at 5 centimeters. At this point the sensation in my hips was growing stronger and I was having longer stints of them closer apart at times. With each sensation I faced Mark with my arms wrapped around his shoulders and my knees squatted a little. I then swayed my hips and focused on that calming movement with slow deep breaths, in through my nose and out my mouth. The nurse then told me the doctor would be in soon, and it was about 7:30 am. She checked me again and said I was a good 5 centimeters still, which is half way to the full 10 centimeters. 

As the morning went on a different doctor came in and asked if some students could come and observe my labor. I declined but agreed they could observe through any of the post-partum stuff with the baby. That doctor said, “I heard you were doing this all natural and doing a really good job!”  Mark looked at me after she left and said, “See honey isn’t that encouraging, I’m sure you are the talk of the nurses’ station!” At this point I was at times having contractions back to back and they were a lot stronger. The baby’s heart rate was good and went up at little with my heart rate on the contractions (that is what you want to happen).  Through all this I had only slept 20 minutes the night before, so between each contraction I was literally falling asleep but still in a state of awareness. Mark was holding me through each sensation and also keeping me from falling over from sleeping too! 

I didn’t realize the shock your body is really going through in labor; I was having the weirdest things happen between contractions. After one contraction I would get the chills, like violently shaking chills. Then the next one my body would feel like its overheating. It was a good thing the anti-nausea medication was kicking in for those hot flashes! It was now fully light outside and my doctor came in and checked me again, she was nice enough to check me in between contraction.  Before the nurse was taking her time and made it so I was having contraction in bed with no way to relax when she checked me. When the doctor checked me this time I was 8 centimeters!  I was still standing with each sensation, but my breathing changed from deep breathing to a deep breath with short little breaths. Mark breathed them with me. Also, to keep our room peaceful we only used the sound of our baby’s heartbeat. I also, put some peace and calming essential oil behind my ears and on my temples. These little things helped a lot. I felt bad for Mark because he was literally holding my limp body with each contraction. But soon they brought in the baby warmer and some things to prepare for labor. Mark looked at me again, “and said look honey isn’t that exciting, we are almost there!”

It was like 9:30 or so in the morning and I was trying to pay attention to the feeling of, “the need to push.” The pressure was increasing and I called the nurse in to check me. I was feeling pretty exhausted at this point, I was trying to have my contractions sitting on the very edge of the bed to give Mark a break; plus I was still sleeping in-between each sensation so it was a good place to rest. I was still very calm through the labor, but around this time I do remember whining once in a contraction and realized how unproductive that was!!!! When the nurse and doctor came in and checked me they said there was still a little cervix around his head.  The nurse lowered the bed into birthing position. The bottom of the bed lowered for the nurse and doctor to sit on. And the middle of the bed supported my bottom and the top of the bed was angled enough for me to be upright but comfortable. 

The nurse had me start pushing to get the cervix around the baby’s head.  I pushed several times, through several sets of sensations. I held my inner thighs and with each contraction I pushed three times. Sometimes I pushed four times. The doctor came in at this point and they were preparing the room a little more.  I was still pushing with each contraction, some with the nurse and doctor down there and some just on my own. I was pushing then consistently for about a half an hour. The doctor told me for first time mom’s it takes about an hour! I was feeling really discouraged and shocked! But Mark was great and kept saying, “You can do it honey!” He was also good at reading if I had another push in me.

Pushing felt good! It gave me a lot of relief to the contraction sensations and it also was bringing me closer to my son. The nurse put a wash cloth on my forehead and I was given an oxygen mask to help with the baby and keep my energy up! After pushing for a little over an hour the doctor put her gear on and said, “Wow this baby has a lot of hair!” I was feeling more determined!  The baby was lower and the pushes literally felt like I was going #2! I know some women have the fear of pooping during labor, but if I did poop, I didn’t care. I was really starting to feel the baby and I was grabbing my feet now and Mark and the nurse supported my thighs. You lose all shyness when you are having a baby! There were many nurses in the room at this point and I remembered thinking, “if there was going to be this many people looking at my yoyo I might as well of had those students watch!” 

The doctor asked the nurse to prepare a vacuum, which is a little suction cup they put on the baby’s head and when you push the doctor pulls. My baby ended up being bigger than we thought and needed more room. The nurse also asked me if I ever broke my tailbone.  I do have a little form of scoliosis, so that made it a little tighter for the baby at my tailbone. The doctor also numbed me up a little for an episiotomy (a cut!), again because the space was a little tight. I didn’t mind any of these interventions; I just wanted him out safe. Now was the time for THE PUSHES! I gave one large push and the baby’s head was a third of the way out. I felt no pain in the labor up until this point! It felt like 10 minutes till the next contraction, Mark said it was only 1 minute. I gave one last push after an hour and a half and he was out! What a feeling!

"But when it pleased God, who separated me from my mother’s womb and called me through His grace." (Galatians 1:15)

I felt relieved, peaceful and blissful! My son was now in my arms! Right away he looked at me with one eye open trying to focus hard on me. That moment was too special to do anything but just gaze back at him. I held him for several minutes while the umbilical cord stopped pulsing and Mark cut. It was 11:18 am, I had been in labor for technically 13 hours.  The next moments weren’t quit as beautiful, as they cleaned up, sewed up and washed up. During this time Mark held the baby’s hand as they checked and cleaned him. Mark then came over to me and said, “Do you want to know his name?” Mark named him Eli, which means “My God.”  Mark then held Eli for the first time as they finished caring for me. I looked over and saw so much joy on Mark’s face. The whole experience was amazing and I would do it all the same way again! And Mark’s presence, support and love is what every laboring woman deserves. My recovering has been fantastic and we were able to go home the next day!

Waiting for Eli was hard, but what we waited for was perfect and worth it. I did it all natural and every prayer I prayed was answered! God’s timing is perfect, babies are defiantly miracles and women are tougher then you think!

Bringing home baby!

My Testimony: The Story of How God Changed my Life

I have been deeply encouraged by many people’s testimonies recently --their stories of how they came to know Jesus and serve him. I have a story that some have been a part of, heard and some have seen. This morning I feel deeply convicted that I haven’t shared it enough. The LORD Jesus has been so good to me and may that goodness encourage you.  

You may notice that I use the word encouragement a lot in my speech and in my writing. My whole journey of life seems to have a theme. Be encouraged! That encouragement has come from the LORD himself and himself shining through people in my life. Every moment in my life good or bad, had (and still) only has one purpose, to bring me closer to God. Every discouragement is an encouragement that God is always there. 

We all have generational curses; regrets, pains and tragedies that our grandparents pass to our parents and our parents “accidentally” pass them on to us. I adore the quote from The Talmud, “when you teach your son, you teach your son’s son.” I believe this is so true, we will teach our children the good but unwilling teach them the curses too if we don’t break them.  In my family adultery, divorce, the lack of value in the meaning of a Godly marriage and the meaning of a blessed home are my curses. All of these things hold on to one word “guilt.” Today being mature enough in God, I hold neither my parents nor my grandparents to any condemnation of these things.  Even though my family may have lots of guilt, our home was still full of love and celebration. But the past pains turned into future pains and then I a new generation came, I the first grandchild was born. 

My parents were married very young and had me a month after their first year anniversary. As time took my parents raised me the best way they could with the resources they had.  But inevitably we make the same mistakes our parents did if we don’t break those curses. Shortly after my brother was born my family was split, no more mom and dad tucking us in at night.  “The split” was something not only my brother and I had to come to understand but It was something both my parents also experienced as children. 

I can’t imagine the weight of being a single mother. We saw our dad on routine visits but our mother was our sole provider. I know my parents had a lot of guilt over the situation and mistakes they made. I noticed that guilt more in my adult years hearing about their childhood and the guilt their parents had too. Even today both my parents are fighting that curse. Jesus once said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." My parents did not and have not failed me; the LORD was using it all, even being a four year old girl. 

You notice that guilty people lack encouragement, weather it is receiving it or giving it. Guilt revolves around discouragement and it lingers. My parents dealt with their generational curse of guilt differently than I did. My parents’ guilty hearts is tragic to think about now but deeply affected me. Even though unaware of their passing guilt, it always left me feeling one thing, discouraged.  My guilt unexplained as a child turned me into someone that was really good at forgetting feelings. I didn’t like feeling discouraged, or anything negative for that matter. 

Turning into a teenager, my lack of feeling resulted into lack of deep thoughts. Which is very unlike how God created me, I am a deep inquisitive thinker.  I had no thoughts really on my future, marriage, children, God, and even teenage things, like partying and best friends. My mother kept me sheltered, my thoughts were not only abandoned but my physical self didn’t experience much either. I hid behind a funny girl that kept life simple and things distant.  My world was school, sports practice two hours after and then straight home. And home wasn’t safe. This is where I could tail off and tell you detailed experiences about  living with an alcoholic step father; or how I’ve never had a real childhood home, my father and mother both moved a lot; or that I have seen five marriages and four divorces between my parents already; or how I frantically kept my outside world spotless because that was the only thing in my control.  Without elaborating those sentences tell you enough. 

My mother did raise us in the church and I am thankful for that. I had no doubt there was a God. Our family was first apart of Assemblies of God Church, where I experience Jesus through songs that rhymed. When my mother remarried when I was nine, I started third grade at a private Catholic school. I was baptized and confirmed into the Catholic church. The LORD Jesus wasn’t something special to me; he was just something familiar like your grandmas comfy antique couch. 

My sophomore/junior year of high school was a very hard years not only for me but for my family. My mother and step-father were going through a hateful separation but living in the same home. At school I was gaining no honor for my hard work in sports, art or friendship. Also my mother and I were miscommunicating that was resulting in physical actions sometimes. Through all this, God intervened and brought me an outlet, Mark.  A young vulnerable teenage girl always seems to find an unhealthy outlet through a boyfriend and then sex. But the way God created Mark made him the perfect person to heal me and it wasn’t your typical relationship. He unconditionally loved and accepted my ugly mouth, my rudeness and all my baggage. 

Because of Mark I was forced to feel and forced to share my life (forced in a conviction/needy kind of way). I felt safe without judgment. Sharing, feeling and thinking was easy at first but then fear came in. Fear is Satan greatest tool. Fear represented all the feelings I didn’t like to feel like, guilt, worry and loneliness. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18) All my life I saw God had a punisher, because I was always being punished and under the curse of guilt by my parents. But God’s love is without fear and something I was beginning to be desperate for. 

A significant moment in my life was when Katrina happened in the gulf. As I watched the news, paralyzing fear numbed my body and this time I couldn’t let it go. I ran to my room and felt God telling me to pray through my fear. The only prayer I knew was the Rosary. I sat on my bed, put the beads in my hand and bowed my head.  For the first time in my life real peace covered my body and I knew no fear could weigh on me again! I continued to pray the rosary every day. Not only that, I changed the way I started to talk, I changed who I sat with at lunch, I listened at youth group, I went with Mark to church on Sunday and I joined fellowship of Christian athletes.  God was using His peace, Mark and my small changes to show me his Grace. Grace is getting the good that I didn’t deserve but was unconditional showered with. 

Mark attended Bowling Green State University two years before I was accepted there. Again God intervened. It may be cliche but it is true that sheltered child can do some questionable things with new found college freedom. But God kept me grounded with Mark’s good heart and my major, interior design. Mark is a good boy; he only says what he needs too, listen to the rules and is kindhearted. He is the kind of person you don’t want to disappoint, it was good for me. Also, interior design gave me an outlet to create and really use my talents.  And unknowingly interior design was the start of healing for me with the meaning of home and breaking that generational curse. 

Having Mark at college and an inspiring major were blessing to me but the most life changing part came in the form of a young girl eager to serve God.  Jenn lived a bathroom away from me on our floor my freshman year. Jenn had a very similar past as I did and she was at the beginning of her journey with God too. Jenn invited me to a campus church and right away I started going consistently. It wasn’t long till I understood more of who God was. God used sermons, small groups and deep conversations with women to change my heart.  I began to be encouraged daily! This encouragement also changed Mark and I relationship. We really invited God to be a part of it and we started serving our campus church together. 

The summer before my junior year of college I had an opportunity to spend an entire summer in Estes Park, CO working at the YMCA and being a part of Leadership Training (LT.) LT was an intense summer about growing in my walk with God and teaching me to a leader in sharing His word.  That summer I just wanted to date God and experience a true relationship with him. I began finding joy being alone with God, journaling and having real affirmation with women.  I came back to Ohio very different. I came back with a strengthened faith and an engagement ring from Mark.  On the last day of LT he drove to Colorado and asked me to marry him. 

Together, Mark and I read books about marriage, had good counsel and really taught ourselves the meaning of marriage. My edifying friendships also taught me a lot about being a wife and loving when it’s hard. Marriage is a God fearing man lovingly serving his family with a God fearing wife honoring him. We both believed in Ephesians 5:22-33 and we wanted a marriage the way God intended it, wholly holy. On July 18^th, 2009 Mark and I stood on the alter, saved for each other saying “I do.”  We promised to take each other as we were, to love each other unconditionally, to serve God together and to be with each other forever. As Mark and I said those vows that day, God took our marriage and from that moment the generational curses of adultery and divorce would no longer be pass down from me. 

Marriage quickly taught me my selfishness. Marriage became less about me and more about the other. “Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”  (Philippians 2:1-4)

Just like God used everything before he was now using marriage to grow me closer to him. But the past crept in again, in the form of anxiety. After reading an awesome book called, “Calm my Anxious Heart,” by Linda Dillow, I began to deal with my anxiety. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (Philippians 4:6) Just like praying became my defense against the enemy the day of Katrina, it was still my defense today. One of my spiritual gifts is intersession, when I pray I feel the closest to God, especially when I am praying for others in my life. Prayer has really brought me more in line with God to be used as an encouragement.  I refused to let guilt ever be a motivator in my life. 

Recently, Mark and I just bought our first home.  Through this home we found so much favor with God. It has been amazing summer fixing it up together. It has also been a joy in creating something beautiful of my own. Heaven is our real home, but I found home in Mark here. Not only that, we have created a little piece of our home in heaven with our physical house. We now have our own place of peace for our souls to rest each day. God owns our house and because of that another generational curse is broken. 

Any day now, our son will be born.  God will bring him down that birth canal and into our loving but imperfect arms.  Parenthood will teach us a lot and our greatest recourse is God. This child will have a privilege I nor my parents never had to be raised the way God intended with both parents present and God fearing. Because of God the curses have stopped with me and I Praise Him!  ^“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Corinthian 1:3-4) God is the great comforter, encourager, controller and healer of all curses!

The rest is still to be written.... 

Pain, Peace and Pegnancy

If you have ever experience the growth of a miracle under you heart you may understand what I am feeling. I noticed with being pregnant for the first time their does come pain --and eventually the pain of childbirth-- physically pain, emotional pain and spiritual pain. But God's peace is bigger.

In the beginning I became anxious waiting to see if we were pregnant; then once I was, I carried on that anxiety many moments until I felt him for the first time.  My anxiety turn to fear when I was in a small accident, then fell down the stairs and also had a few more clumsy moments. The baby was buried deep into my body always safe. But I still carried worry/anxiety/fear then I had my peace moment....

Throughout this pregnancy God is always comforting me. But my real moment of peace in the beginning came as Mark and I were on our way to our first ultrasound at 20weeks. I was getting nervous as I had trained myself to do before my routines appointments of checking my blood presser, baby's heartbeat and answering my questions. I assumed the worst, no heartbeat. While I was having this thought,  I still being new to discerning small movement,  felt him move in me while we were in the car. God's voice loud and strong came over the speakers of the car right to my heart, "Alex, look at all the affirmation I give you every single day, yet you doubt our child is alright?" He was moving and I still doubted his little life! I sat there with God words retreating in my head and I believed him and thanked him. And had real peace for the first time in my pregnancy.

Then the peace went, when I had to get a routine glucose test around 26 weeks. The fear of gestational diabetes kicked in all becasue I was going to the bathroom more. Looking back now, I can see how irrational and dumb my fears have been. But I was getting further along and more attached to this child. I called frantically to the doctors office wanting to know my results becasue I was peeing at every commercial. The nurse said you are A-o-kay and going to the bathroom more is getting more and more common as you advance in your pregnancy. I heard what she was saying and did rationalize it but held on to the worry.

Then I had another peace moment.....

I was at church that following Sunday. We happen to be talking about worry/anxiety --go figure! One women was talking about how her and her husband lost a child and how she worried away three more pregnancies because of her fears. She was sadden because even though she has 3 awesome kids, she never really felt the blessing of pregnancy! This made my heart so sad but God voice spoke again to me. He reminded me that the womb is His territory and all my job is to live in the moment. When I live in the moment I have His joy, peace and guidance. What an uplifting feeling!

Then I let the peace go again!

The third trimester came and with the came many more pains. More physically that effected the emotional and spiritual! I became deeply tired with every activity. And now the pinched nerves are causing carpal tunnel in my hands, making me unable to sit up for a while and even walk. The pain is making me irritable, cranky and frustrated. I desire to have a natural birth to experience the fullness of pain and joy that comes with bringing a child into the world. But i am just thinking if I can't even handle this....Recently I have been constantly thinking about Genesis 3:16 and that painful child birth is part of our original sin. It has been making me feel like I deserve all that pain and I won't be able to handle it.


Then God showed me his peace again.....
P.S. Isn't He crazy faithful!!!!

As I was laying in bed one night reading and thinking about the pain of childbirth. God reminded me how Christ took away the sins of Adam and  how I don't have to accept Eve's punishment! I know that there will be pain when we give birth but I will also have God peace that will comfort me. Naturally between contractions our body release a natural pain killer. God gave me the ability to do it and to release all the pain to him. I want my baby to be born with Christ's peace not Eve's pain.


“Whenever a woman is in labor she has pain, because her hour has come; but when she gives birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy that a child has been born into the world." (John 16:21).

I have so much to look forward too! Too much too worry!!!!!!

Why are we always stating what we are aganist....

God put this thought into my mind yesterday... Why am I stating more for what I am against then for what I am for?

Mother Theresa once said: "I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there."

It seems we are wired to think black and white(that's why we need to constantly be renewing our mind, Romans 12:2). We think if we value one thing we then equally value the opposite. Sure at times this is true but what power does holding the opposite stand for God's grace, mercy, prosperity,  peace and forgiveness? Or in other words... If we are always stating what we are against how on earth are people  (even our own heart) going to know what we are for?

Personal Examples:
1) Focusing to much on fear and not on God perfect love. (1 John 4:18)
2) Focusing on anxiety and not God's peace. (Philippians 4:6-7)
3) Focusing on the changing others instead of experiencing the joy of encouragement.
     (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
4) Focusing on not looking materialistic instead of Christ's riches. ( Philippians 4:19)
5) Focusing too much on our own words/making points instead of owning God's words of kindness.
    (Philippians 4:13)


My goal is to start sharing with other God's goodness and not Satan wrath over my life. I want to have more self-control over sharing what I am for and not always what I am against...

I Forget That God Is Everywhere

I forgot.

I forget that every moment is God's and I have a choice to believe that. I get so caught up in the future, in the past, my current distress and the things I think I need.I don't eat my cereal with thankfulness, I eat it mindlessly.

I forgot again.

I forget that my relationship with God is always changing; growing and pulling. I convince myself that I should be doing that, or that, or acting like this. I then get stuck, sit and...

I forgot once more.

I forget that my God is simple. I run into the world everyday;  it hurts, it's annoying and it's angry! It's not empathy I feel it's apathy.

Then, of course I forgot.

 I forget that God is everywhere.My mind, the past, the future, people and this world are always sabotaging truths. I need to remember to close my eyes more and feel God's kindness. He is so good! I waste to many moments. I need to live those moments and enjoy it! Because that Joy is what will heal me and that Joy is what is molding me. I have to see it everywhere, I just have too. Because if I don't...

I will forget.

Being Present and Living in the Moment

A story:

They say the old are wise but many times the young show a wisdom that even the old can learn from.

An old sweet lady was doing her daily chores on her farm in Ireland. She pulls the weeds from her garden, checks her mail and makes her daily loaves. She’s known for her prized bread making and ability to sell it well.  She was alone though, and at times all she seems to have is her baking and no one to eat it really. Every day she becomes anxious at 2 o’clock because that is when her husband would be coming in to wash up for lunch.  Everyday her anxiety takes her about a few hours to get over. Bev, her friend calls most days and sadly the sweet old Lady as usual has very little to say and is thinking about something else. As her day ends, she walks a ritual loaf of bread to her neighbors for their evening meal. They always pay her $.75, for her service and every night they ask her to join them. Just as it is her ritual to walk the loaf down the street, it is she ritual to respectfully decline. Once back at home, she slips off her slippers, rolls her legs into bed and ends her day writing her prayers in a journal. Tonight, she is more tired than usual, but her days are always the same, to her dull but busy; too busy to not do something too busy to add something.  

The next day early in the morning before her chores, an unexpected knock came from her wood door. A young happy child was selling garden stones with inspiring quotes that he proudly made himself. Right away the old lady recognized him as one of the children of a family in her town who was struggling for food and money. Surprised by the child’s smile and her feeling of guilt the old lady bought one. She sat the garden stone down one the table next to the door. With a quick glance she read, “Be present, there’s so much joy waiting for you!” Apart from the knock on the door the old lady’s day was virtually the same. Her baking required almost no thinking anymore; she could feel it was two o’clock without looking at the clock now; no ring came today, but she didn’t have much to say anyway; a dinner invite came and went again; and the day ended with the same prayer she wrote yesterday. The next days passed her like the wind, no day more significant than the one before. 

A week after the child came to her front door, she become annoyed enough with the stone on the table, that she finally moved it; a significant moment, which she was unaware of. Perplexed by where to put it, she thoughtfully placed it at the corner edge of her garden; even though she didn’t care for the phrase, she admired the simple beauty the garden stone did hold. She glanced at the phrase once more as she put her hands on her knees to stand up, “Be present, there’s so much joy waiting for you!” This time, a deep feeling inside of her stirred up, she felt angry. She went to her baking, still hanging on to that feeling and thinking about her life and how there’s just nothing to change. Her anger was so tight on her, she missed 2’o clock for the first time in 11 years and barely heard the phone ring. “Hello?” Bev called and started with her routine question, “How is your garden looking today?” Caught up in her feelings the old lady, was silent, and then said, “Do you want to come over for some tea?” Bev happily accepted. Nervous for her visitor the old lady made a special loaf and brewed a special tea just for her guest. As the two enjoyed each other company and the tea; the old lady found her anger turning into thankfulness for another presence in her home. A side smile arose from her face, as Bev told her a witty story about she grandchild who got stuck in a mud hole. As the old lady escorted her friend to the door, she felt this warm sensation in her chest, one that she hadn’t felt in a while. The old lady finished the rest of her day the same, but ended it with a different prayer. 

The old lady woke up feeling very different, refreshed. She woke up earlier and started her chores earlier. As she approached her garden she saw the stone. Pulling weeds didn’t take a whole lot of thinking so the old lady decided to pray while she was mindlessly pulling. She asked God what it meant to be present and live in the moment. She felt her spirit telling her to walk more in love, be grateful, see good things and be adventurous. The old lady always thought herself as a loving person but had no one really to love but realized to love, to be grateful, to see good things, and to be adventurous were all choices. She felt inspired as she walked her mail into her house. She started baking and baking. She concentrated on mixing and kneading. She realized how good and practiced she was at baking bread. Before you knew it she had bake triple the amount of loaves she normally had. She knew it was 2 o’clock but kept baking in his memory. She had a beautiful idea. She took all the extra loaves and piled them into a basket. She walked the basket up to the market and was determined to sell her hot loaves. As people walked up to her the old lady found herself smiling and greeting her customers. She was enjoying the excitement that people had over her bread. It didn’t take long and the market had cleared and all her loaves had sold. She wrapped all her earnings in a napkin and took a detour on her walk home. She anonymously placed the money filled napkin into the mailbox of the family whose young child blessed her with the garden stone. That night she had no need to write her prayer, she sat up in her bed filled with a joy she couldn’t explain. God’s presence was enough for her that night. 

The very next day the old lady’s day was her normal routine but today didn’t seem dull at all. She focused on her chorus with a new perspective, she become more grateful that she was healthy enough to still care for her home. She felt purposeful caring for her home. That afternoon while she was baking she decided to make an apple pie. It was her husband’s favorite and she hadn’t made it since… Instead of worry or anxiety the old lady smiled with contentment at 2 o’clock. Bev called and for the first time the old lady was looking forward to catching up and telling her about her garden. She felt so grateful for Bev’s faithfulness to her after that conversation. That evening as she was putting the neighbor’s loaf and apple pie into the basket, she noticed a feeling of excitement in her bones. She couldn’t tell you the last time she felt that. As she took the same walk she did every night, she noticed how beautiful her neighborhood really was. All of her neighbors thoughtfully care for their gardens too and the sunset which came every night struck her, tonight. She stopped and admired until the sun fell. She breathed and she realized that she was living in the moment and being present; asking Bev over for tea, serving others, smiling at strangers, appreciating everything she did, being grateful for her gifts, spending time with God and now on her way to accepting an overdue dinner invitation. 

“Be present, there is so much joy waiting for you!”