My Testimony: The Story of How God Changed my Life

I have been deeply encouraged by many people’s testimonies recently --their stories of how they came to know Jesus and serve him. I have a story that some have been a part of, heard and some have seen. This morning I feel deeply convicted that I haven’t shared it enough. The LORD Jesus has been so good to me and may that goodness encourage you.  

You may notice that I use the word encouragement a lot in my speech and in my writing. My whole journey of life seems to have a theme. Be encouraged! That encouragement has come from the LORD himself and himself shining through people in my life. Every moment in my life good or bad, had (and still) only has one purpose, to bring me closer to God. Every discouragement is an encouragement that God is always there. 

We all have generational curses; regrets, pains and tragedies that our grandparents pass to our parents and our parents “accidentally” pass them on to us. I adore the quote from The Talmud, “when you teach your son, you teach your son’s son.” I believe this is so true, we will teach our children the good but unwilling teach them the curses too if we don’t break them.  In my family adultery, divorce, the lack of value in the meaning of a Godly marriage and the meaning of a blessed home are my curses. All of these things hold on to one word “guilt.” Today being mature enough in God, I hold neither my parents nor my grandparents to any condemnation of these things.  Even though my family may have lots of guilt, our home was still full of love and celebration. But the past pains turned into future pains and then I a new generation came, I the first grandchild was born. 

My parents were married very young and had me a month after their first year anniversary. As time took my parents raised me the best way they could with the resources they had.  But inevitably we make the same mistakes our parents did if we don’t break those curses. Shortly after my brother was born my family was split, no more mom and dad tucking us in at night.  “The split” was something not only my brother and I had to come to understand but It was something both my parents also experienced as children. 

I can’t imagine the weight of being a single mother. We saw our dad on routine visits but our mother was our sole provider. I know my parents had a lot of guilt over the situation and mistakes they made. I noticed that guilt more in my adult years hearing about their childhood and the guilt their parents had too. Even today both my parents are fighting that curse. Jesus once said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." My parents did not and have not failed me; the LORD was using it all, even being a four year old girl. 

You notice that guilty people lack encouragement, weather it is receiving it or giving it. Guilt revolves around discouragement and it lingers. My parents dealt with their generational curse of guilt differently than I did. My parents’ guilty hearts is tragic to think about now but deeply affected me. Even though unaware of their passing guilt, it always left me feeling one thing, discouraged.  My guilt unexplained as a child turned me into someone that was really good at forgetting feelings. I didn’t like feeling discouraged, or anything negative for that matter. 

Turning into a teenager, my lack of feeling resulted into lack of deep thoughts. Which is very unlike how God created me, I am a deep inquisitive thinker.  I had no thoughts really on my future, marriage, children, God, and even teenage things, like partying and best friends. My mother kept me sheltered, my thoughts were not only abandoned but my physical self didn’t experience much either. I hid behind a funny girl that kept life simple and things distant.  My world was school, sports practice two hours after and then straight home. And home wasn’t safe. This is where I could tail off and tell you detailed experiences about  living with an alcoholic step father; or how I’ve never had a real childhood home, my father and mother both moved a lot; or that I have seen five marriages and four divorces between my parents already; or how I frantically kept my outside world spotless because that was the only thing in my control.  Without elaborating those sentences tell you enough. 

My mother did raise us in the church and I am thankful for that. I had no doubt there was a God. Our family was first apart of Assemblies of God Church, where I experience Jesus through songs that rhymed. When my mother remarried when I was nine, I started third grade at a private Catholic school. I was baptized and confirmed into the Catholic church. The LORD Jesus wasn’t something special to me; he was just something familiar like your grandmas comfy antique couch. 

My sophomore/junior year of high school was a very hard years not only for me but for my family. My mother and step-father were going through a hateful separation but living in the same home. At school I was gaining no honor for my hard work in sports, art or friendship. Also my mother and I were miscommunicating that was resulting in physical actions sometimes. Through all this, God intervened and brought me an outlet, Mark.  A young vulnerable teenage girl always seems to find an unhealthy outlet through a boyfriend and then sex. But the way God created Mark made him the perfect person to heal me and it wasn’t your typical relationship. He unconditionally loved and accepted my ugly mouth, my rudeness and all my baggage. 

Because of Mark I was forced to feel and forced to share my life (forced in a conviction/needy kind of way). I felt safe without judgment. Sharing, feeling and thinking was easy at first but then fear came in. Fear is Satan greatest tool. Fear represented all the feelings I didn’t like to feel like, guilt, worry and loneliness. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18) All my life I saw God had a punisher, because I was always being punished and under the curse of guilt by my parents. But God’s love is without fear and something I was beginning to be desperate for. 

A significant moment in my life was when Katrina happened in the gulf. As I watched the news, paralyzing fear numbed my body and this time I couldn’t let it go. I ran to my room and felt God telling me to pray through my fear. The only prayer I knew was the Rosary. I sat on my bed, put the beads in my hand and bowed my head.  For the first time in my life real peace covered my body and I knew no fear could weigh on me again! I continued to pray the rosary every day. Not only that, I changed the way I started to talk, I changed who I sat with at lunch, I listened at youth group, I went with Mark to church on Sunday and I joined fellowship of Christian athletes.  God was using His peace, Mark and my small changes to show me his Grace. Grace is getting the good that I didn’t deserve but was unconditional showered with. 

Mark attended Bowling Green State University two years before I was accepted there. Again God intervened. It may be cliche but it is true that sheltered child can do some questionable things with new found college freedom. But God kept me grounded with Mark’s good heart and my major, interior design. Mark is a good boy; he only says what he needs too, listen to the rules and is kindhearted. He is the kind of person you don’t want to disappoint, it was good for me. Also, interior design gave me an outlet to create and really use my talents.  And unknowingly interior design was the start of healing for me with the meaning of home and breaking that generational curse. 

Having Mark at college and an inspiring major were blessing to me but the most life changing part came in the form of a young girl eager to serve God.  Jenn lived a bathroom away from me on our floor my freshman year. Jenn had a very similar past as I did and she was at the beginning of her journey with God too. Jenn invited me to a campus church and right away I started going consistently. It wasn’t long till I understood more of who God was. God used sermons, small groups and deep conversations with women to change my heart.  I began to be encouraged daily! This encouragement also changed Mark and I relationship. We really invited God to be a part of it and we started serving our campus church together. 

The summer before my junior year of college I had an opportunity to spend an entire summer in Estes Park, CO working at the YMCA and being a part of Leadership Training (LT.) LT was an intense summer about growing in my walk with God and teaching me to a leader in sharing His word.  That summer I just wanted to date God and experience a true relationship with him. I began finding joy being alone with God, journaling and having real affirmation with women.  I came back to Ohio very different. I came back with a strengthened faith and an engagement ring from Mark.  On the last day of LT he drove to Colorado and asked me to marry him. 

Together, Mark and I read books about marriage, had good counsel and really taught ourselves the meaning of marriage. My edifying friendships also taught me a lot about being a wife and loving when it’s hard. Marriage is a God fearing man lovingly serving his family with a God fearing wife honoring him. We both believed in Ephesians 5:22-33 and we wanted a marriage the way God intended it, wholly holy. On July 18^th, 2009 Mark and I stood on the alter, saved for each other saying “I do.”  We promised to take each other as we were, to love each other unconditionally, to serve God together and to be with each other forever. As Mark and I said those vows that day, God took our marriage and from that moment the generational curses of adultery and divorce would no longer be pass down from me. 

Marriage quickly taught me my selfishness. Marriage became less about me and more about the other. “Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”  (Philippians 2:1-4)

Just like God used everything before he was now using marriage to grow me closer to him. But the past crept in again, in the form of anxiety. After reading an awesome book called, “Calm my Anxious Heart,” by Linda Dillow, I began to deal with my anxiety. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (Philippians 4:6) Just like praying became my defense against the enemy the day of Katrina, it was still my defense today. One of my spiritual gifts is intersession, when I pray I feel the closest to God, especially when I am praying for others in my life. Prayer has really brought me more in line with God to be used as an encouragement.  I refused to let guilt ever be a motivator in my life. 

Recently, Mark and I just bought our first home.  Through this home we found so much favor with God. It has been amazing summer fixing it up together. It has also been a joy in creating something beautiful of my own. Heaven is our real home, but I found home in Mark here. Not only that, we have created a little piece of our home in heaven with our physical house. We now have our own place of peace for our souls to rest each day. God owns our house and because of that another generational curse is broken. 

Any day now, our son will be born.  God will bring him down that birth canal and into our loving but imperfect arms.  Parenthood will teach us a lot and our greatest recourse is God. This child will have a privilege I nor my parents never had to be raised the way God intended with both parents present and God fearing. Because of God the curses have stopped with me and I Praise Him!  ^“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Corinthian 1:3-4) God is the great comforter, encourager, controller and healer of all curses!

The rest is still to be written....